Tag Archives: Condescending Wonka

The Best of June 1

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On June 1, 2013, I did not write a blog post. It is a shame because if I did, I would have five different posts to share with you that I wrote on past dates of June 1. If you know me, I like to write in groups of five (i.e. the Thursday Rundown). However, I have to let it go…

Today I am going to look back on the four blog posts I wrote on June 1 in 2011, 2012, 2014, and 2015. I am doing this because each post is wildly different and because I really don’t have any better ideas for today. I feel my writing has improved over the years so I will start with the newest entry and work down to when I was a much greener blogger.

What Really Fascinates Me About Caitlyn Jenner (June 1, 2015) – One year ago the American public was as obsessed about the Caitlyn Jenner transformation as it is about the gorilla situation today. Both episodes have dominated the media and Facebook (and obviously blogs). I stayed out of the morality of Jenner’s move but I did write about how incredible modern science is. The fact that a doctors can successfully transition a person from a man to a woman baffles me. It amazed me then and it still amazes me now. You know what would amaze me even more? If the rumor is true that Jenner wants to transition back to Bruce (and it actually happens!), 

Caitlin Jenner a year ago commanded the same amount of attention that the gorilla is getting today.

Caitlin Jenner a year ago commanded the same amount of attention that the gorilla is getting today.

Snacking Southern Style (June 1, 2014) – I had just moved to Myrtle Beach and I wanted to try some Southern delicacies. I sampled three different popular snacks from this part of the country but the one I really want to apologize to in these few sentences is boiled peanuts. Because I bought a CAN of the Southern staple I did not give it a fair shake. Two years ago I criticized the snack but now I absolutely LOVE boiled peanuts. It did take Sidney’s homemade recipe to make me come around but I can honestly say that I can go just as overboard eating boiled peanuts as I can with regular peanuts.

Boiled peanuts and I got off on the wrong foot but now I love them!!

Boiled peanuts and I got off on the wrong foot but now I love them!!

More Fun With Condescending Wonka (June 1, 2012) – There is no better meme than the originals. Can you believe it has been four years since Condescending Wonka was in its heyday? I got a big kick out of how sarcastic and mean Willy Wonka could be so I decided to get creative and write my own memes in the style of the Candy Man himself. I took on five different topics (blogging, sports marketing, Catholicism, the gym, and the bar) and penned my own little jokes. Full disclosure: After reading what I wrote four years ago, I actually was laughing out loud, mostly because they are just so stupid.

Four years ago, it was all about Condescending Wonka.

Four years ago, it was all about Condescending Wonka.

JACKED 4 JACK3D (June 1, 2011) – This stuff is illegal now as it rightfully should be. But five years ago it wasn’t and I was a JACK3D user. Before I would work out, I would use the supplement to make a drink and give me a major boost. In all honesty, it was an incredible product. It turned out to be a little too incredible, though. Older and wiser, I now know that I probably should not have put JACK3D in my body. But at the time, it was tough to resist the power it gave me.

Jack3D was one very powerful supplement.

Jack3D was one very powerful supplement.

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Hope you enjoyed another trip down the Don’t Blink memory lane. I will see all of you back here tomorrow for my Thursday Rundown. Don’t Blink.

More Fun With Condescending Wonka

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Last month I published a post about the Condescending Wonka meme phenomenon that has overtaken the social media world and provided lots of people with funny, sarcastic commentary on everyday life. Although prominent in almost every SM network, Condescending Wonka has found no greater success than through Twitter. Basically with the 160 character format and instantaneous nature of the service, Twitter was made for parody accounts such as Wonka.

Since I last wrote on Condescending Wonka about forty days ago, the craze has just gotten bigger and bigger. While more and more duplicate accounts of the all-encompassing general Condescending Wonka theme pop up, there are now specific Twitter Wonka accounts for just about every possible subject you could think of. In addition to there being a CW account that plays off every single sport under the sun, there are also Wonka accounts that take on rock music, cooking, Las Vegas, redneck living, modeling, and more. Also, pretty much every college has a condescending account that pokes fun at the norms and traditions of life on campus. Many people say these accounts have gotten out of control and I would tend to agree a little bit but I still find them pretty funny.
For tonight’s post I am going to take five areas that either interest me or that I identify with and turn them into Condescending Wonka accounts! I am then going to give you five tweets from each of my created accounts. Without further adieu, let the comedy begin:
Condescending Blog Wonka  @BloggingWonka
Oh, you blog professionally? Who hosts your site, Blogger?
Oh, you like to blog in a way that showcases your passion? You can almost see that fire through all of your grammar and spelling errors.
Oh, your profile says that you are a dedicated blogger? Nothing attests to that more than the two posts you have written over the past seven months.
Oh, you would like to blog for a living? How noble of you, most people would die if they were forced to write a full 500 words a day.
Oh, you are an established blogger? Who is your editor, yourself?
Condescending Sports Marketing Wonka  @WonkaMarketingSports

Oh, you created a Facebook event for the upcoming game? Uh-oh, better prepare for a capacity crowd overflowing into the lobby.

Oh, your attendance numbers went up for baseball? Good thing that was all of your genius marketing plan and not the team’s undefeated season.
Oh, you played Zombie Nation at the game and the fans got into it? You are a revolutionary, that song has never been played in a stadium before.
Oh, you just became a member of NACMA? Just let the employers come to you, you should have a high-paying sports marketing job in no time.
Oh, you put on a Pink Game this year? Your originality is unlike anything this industry has ever seen.

Condescending Catholic  Wonka  @OhCatholicWonka

Oh, you just responded with “and also with you” instead of “and with your spirit”? Everyone around you can tell you are a dedicated Catholic.
Oh, you read the bulletin during the priest’s sermon? Your skills of multi-tasking and showing respect are so admirable.
Oh, you made it to mass on Easter? Consider your church obligation done for the year.
Oh, you like to recite all of the prayers and responses two seconds faster than everyone else? Looking like a dumbass must get you more points in Heaven.
Oh, you actually made it to Ash Wednesday mass? Please wear your ashes around all day and brag about everything you are giving up for lent.
Condescending Gym  Wonka  @WorkOutWonka
Oh, you talk on your cell phone at the gym? You just command respect from everyone else in the facility.
Oh, you work out on bench every single day? You inspire me with how hard you challenge yourself.
Oh, you like to grunt and yell whenever you do a set? You must just hate all the attention you get when people look over at you.
Oh, you never rack your weights when you finish at a machine? Good call, I hear that being discourteous makes your muscles grow much faster.
Condescending Bar  Wonka  @DrinkToThisWonka
Oh, you snap and whistle at the bartender to serve you? I hear that employees love being treated like animals, expect your drinks ASAP.
Oh, you stiffed the bartender after you ordered a round of drinks? Surely they will bend over backwards for you the rest of the night.
Oh, you got eighty-sixed from the bar last night and showed up again tonight?  Perseverance is key.
Oh, you like to steal bar glasses? Your courage is just so badass.
Oh, you threw up all over the bar the other night? Be sure to keep going there, you don’t remember it so the staff won’t either.
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Well there you have it! Hopefully you enjoyed my Condescending Wonka proposed accounts. If you have any ones that you would like to add to these categories, I would LOVE IT if you tweeted them to me (@BrentR7) or posted them on my Facebook. These are also now fair game for someone to take and make an actual account on Twitter. Who knows, maybe it will take off! Don’t Blink.

Condescending Wonka: Wisdom to Live By

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Over the past six months or so, the Willy Wonka memes have taken over Facebook and the internet. I am sure you have all seen what I am talking about…there is a picture of Willy Wonka (from the old movie in 1971, not Johnny Depp) leaning his head on his hand decked out in his candy man costume with a creepy smile that would scare any parent with young kids. In the picture there is text at the top that says something that usually starts with “Oh, so you…….” and then at the bottom there is a sarcastic punch line. The jokes are a play on the real personality of Willy Wonka in the actual movie but usually make fun of present social norms. Many of them are really funny.

Unfortunately for me, I hate seeing these things pop up on Facebook because Willy Wonka (the one from the 70’s) just makes me a little queasy. I think the whole movie is really weird and let’s face it, seeing some creepy guy in an over-the-top purple suit is not what I want to see on my Facebook news feed…please give me more of my hot lady friends in their bikinis.
So to keep the humor but to resist the urge to click on the hideous image of Wonka, this past weekend I started following Condescending Wonka (@OhWonka) on Twitter. It is already one of my favorite accounts to follow. In fact, I retweeted three of the Condescending Wonka’s brilliant pieces of sarcastic wisdom over the weekend. For tonight’s blog post I would like to share with you the three tweets that I retweeted and offer some quick commentary on them. Oh Wonka, you crack me up!:
1. “Oh, you replied to my text with the letter “K”…you must like talking about Potassium.”
Nothing is more annoying or standoffish than the “K” text.  Lazy, disrespectful, and unoriginal are great ways to describe it. Yes, I have used it before. I rarely pull the “K” card but when I do it is usually because I am frustrated and I want to say the least possible because if I let loose I might text something that I regret. But some people use it way too much and will then even get angry at others when they use it. I “K’d” a person the other day and that person responded with “don’t  ever ‘k’ me.” I reminded the person that she had used it on me first. Not believing me,  I was able to just go back in our chat conversation (thank goodness for iphones!) and screen capture a couple days earlier when this person used “k” and sent it right back…sweet redemption!

But honestly, using “K” in texts is bush league. Have the respect for the other person to at least give them an “okay.” At the bare minimum, double up and give your text recipient a “kk.” If you do decide to do the unthinkable, at least have the decency to give the person a capital K with a period at the end (i.e. “K.”). Using “k” is just a slap in the face.

2. “Let’s have a round of applause for the heroes that save all the cancer-ridden children by liking and sharing those Facebook statuses.”
This one speaks so much truth. If there is one thing that pushes me away from Facebook more than anything else, it is the copied status updates addressing some disease or natural disaster. In my opinion, the people who share and like these updates are doing more to spurn the problem than solve it. These clueless people probably think that instead of actually getting away from their computer and donating money to cancer research/relief efforts or actually going out in the community and visiting sick people, they are doing their part by clicking the“like” button or copying and pasting something as their status. Asinine.
First off, all of those statuses that say something along the lines of “post this as your status and $5 will be donated to cancer research” are complete scams. Secondly, how self-serving and arrogant is it to do something like that? Let’s be honest here, many people do it to portray themselves in a positive light. It is like the people who decide to give something up for lent and then broadcast it all over social media or decide to tell all their friends. Do things for the right reasons, not for praise from others.
3. “Oh, you’re jamming to the latest popular song on your iPod? Please, join the countless others in tweeting the same lyrics.”
This one made me laugh the most because I am so guilty of it! Thanks Condescending Wonka for putting me in my place. Sometimes it is just so hard not to tweet lyrics though! I will be driving in my car to work in the morning and a great country song will come on and motivate me for the day ahead and I just can’t resist but to share it with my followers (follow me @BrentR7). When you have over 11,400 tweets you have to have something to fill the content, right?

It is cliché and unoriginal so perhaps I should try to cut back a little bit. What I think Wonka should have done though is call out the people who tweet lyrics and butcher them. Nothing is more annoying than incorrectly tweeting lyrics, in fact, it should result in the loss of Twitter privileges.

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Thank you Condescending Wonka for bringing a little bit of humor and sarcasm into my life. Don’t get too comfortable around me though, I can tolerate reading your tweets but please save me the eye sore and get the hell off of my news feed. Don’t Blink.