Public speaking is something I do routinely for my job. Whether I am in front of our university president, briefing my department, or just presenting to a class of undergrads, I am constantly called upon to describe EWU’s marketing strategy and the results achieved. I also speak publicly for a ministry that Sid and I are involved with. On any given weekend, my wife and I will give six different presentations to a group of 6 to 22 engaged couples.

I am not a natural public speaker but I can be effective at it.

Delivering the best man’s toast at my brother’s wedding was an entirely different animal. A wedding speech is just so unique because it is emotional, the audience is diverse, and the expectation is to make attendees both laugh and cry. Not to mention the weight on your shoulders to adequately honor those you are speaking on behalf of (the bride and groom). There is a lot of pressure!

I attempt to drive home a point during my best man’s speech at Glen and Carrie’s wedding.

So when I saw the below letter from a maid of honor who was petrified about delivering a speech at her cousin’s wedding, I felt for her. This person indicated that she is already facing severe anxiety months in advance of the big day. She was looking for any excuse from the advice columnist to bow out of the speech portion of her maid-of-honor obligations.

This letter presents a real dilemma. I agree with the overall theme and practical solutions offered by the advice columnist.

The advice columnist wasn’t going to give her the free pass. The person (or people) behind Dear Annie urged her to weigh the long term ramifications of not delivering a speech. Although it would give her temporary relief for the next several months and save her the risk of humiliating herself on the wedding day, the years and decades that follow could bring remorse. The columnist summed it up perfectly: If some small part of you does want to speak, listen to that voice. Nerves can be loud. Regret is quieter, but it lingers.

But much to the credit of the advice columnist, she went beyond the warning of regret. The columnist offered tangible methods for delivering the speech, including maintaining eyesight on the bride/groom (not the crowd), keeping it short, and devoting plenty of practice beforehand. If for whatever reason the maid-of-honor still couldn’t bring herself to give the speech, the columnist suggested considering a pre-recorded video option.

Again, I sympathize with the maid of honor—and I actually sympathize with her for more than one reason. As already clearly outlined, public speaking isn’t fun for most. I still get nervous before I speak. With so many things out of your control upon arrival at a wedding venue, any little thing can throw off even the best-rehearsed speeches.

But probably even more anxiety-inducing is just the high stakes nature of a wedding toast. Yep, people will remember it…for better or worse. After Sid and I attend a wedding, one of the first things we do is de-brief the speeches. A wedding toast is such a special opportunity to pay tribute and send well wishes to a couple on their big day that most people in attendance will hang on the words and celebrate/scrutinize the delivery of the person giving the speech.

The pressure is real.

My personal advice for the maid of honor is to just practice. Write the speech now and take a little time each day to become familiar with it. But I would also say go beyond just practice/rehearsal and embrace visualization. In order to overcome her fear of being in front of 200 people, she has to start coming to grips with it right now. Visualize the crowd, the venue, and any intricacies you might encounter on the wedding day. As your speech comes together, deliver it in front of someone you trust. Giving it to a live human being will help you become more comfortable and also allow the person to workshop the speech with you.

I really hope the maid of honor who wrote the letter ends up delivering a speech. Not only will it allow her to pay tribute to her cousin but it will mark a watershed moment when she rises above her fear of public speaking (at least for one day).

Open question to my readers who have spoken at weddings: Were you nervous when you delivered your speech? Don’t Blink.