Poison: The Drinks I Hate

Last week, I wrote about my favorite beverages. Tonight, I have decided to switch gears and talk about the beverages I don’t like. Settle down, I am writing about drinks I hate that many other people enjoy. That means no-brainers like pickle juice and toilet water won’t be on the list. Let’s get this over with…

Coffee – I believe I have stated this fact in the past, but I have never downed an entire cup of coffee in my life. Despite growing up in a java hotbed (Washington state) and having two parents who drank coffee as if it came from the fountain of youth, I never took a liking to it. Even as I grew older and learned about its ability to help people stay awake, I never budged. When my wife orders her signature white chocolate mochas, every now and then I will take a sip, but that is the extent of my coffee drinking.

Sweet Tea – The drink of the South is sweet tea and that is probably the only thing that I haven’t embraced about this region (well, I guess you can lump collared greens in there too). Perhaps sweet tea never stood much of a chance with me because I never enjoyed regular tea nor sweet tea’s western cousin, iced tea. The only time I drink sweet tea is when I mistake it for Pepsi. Oh yeah, the cup of sugar that comes with each sip is just a bit overwhelming for my taste buds.

Hard Alcohol – No thank you, I stay away from this stuff. It just isn’t the high alcohol content that I am weary of, either. I can’t stand the actual taste. I don’t need a Jack and Coke, I just need a Coke. Why poison something so good with something that tastes so bad? I don’t trust liquor and waking up with a painful hangover and fuzzy moments from the night before just doesn’t appeal to me. I do have to be honest; if there is a hard alcohol that I will tolerate every now and then, it is vodka. Other than that, I just assume pour it down the drain.

Wine – After a long week, I never yearn to plop on the couch, drape myself in a blanket, turn on “Friends,” and drink wine. Not that I have anything against a warm blanket or the classic sitcom, I just don’t like wine. I know people can describe the taste of any given wine with flowery language and numerous words, but I can describe my opinion of all wines with just one word: nasty. Sorry, not sorry. I find wine too complicated for a simple dude like myself. When it comes to it, I don’t care for the taste nor the way it feels going down my throat. I like my drinks to be refreshing and wine is definitely not a beverage you drink to satisfy your thirst. Thank you, next.

The only wine I drink is Cheerwine.

Apple Cider – For someone who loves apple juice, I sure detest apple cider. And, to be honest, I don’t think it is that big of a contradiction. Apple juice is pure and easy to drink (dang, does that sound like a beer commercial?). On the other hand, apple cider is spicy and borderline dangerous to drink. When I consume something, I don’t need pinches of kitchen cabinet ingredients. Apple cider is just too fancy for me – I don’t need cinnamon, nutmeg, or anything else to take away from the fresh apple taste. Even more discouraging is the temperature that cider is served at. Every time I have had it, my tongue ends up scorched, no matter how small the straw is and no matter how long I wait to take a drink. Apple cider is just no fun.

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That’s what you get for tonight’s post. Could you imagine if you mixed all of these in a Gatorade bottle and made me chug it? I don’t think I could ever forgive you. Don’t Blink.

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