Just yesterday, Sidney and I were having a drink at a bar when she started talking about how she is a daddy’s girl. She talked about it a little bit and then said to me, “But you are totally a mama’s boy.”

I found her comment a tad bit surprising. I followed up by asking if she really thought so and she confirmed it. The topic eventually changed. It did get me thinking though. I picture a mamma’s boy as someone like Bobby Boucher from “The Waterboy.” You know, a kind of an awkward sort who relies on his mom for everything and who in turn lets her rule over his life as if he were a toddler. I definitely don’t think I am at that level.

My mom and I at the beach earlier this year.

Today I turned to the internet for a definition. Wikipedia explains a “mama’s boy” as a term for a man who is excessively attached to his mother at an age when men are expected to be independent. I mean, to a degree I am attached to my mom but I don’t know about “excessively.” Also, I do feel I am independent, especially while living 3,000 miles away from her house in Spokane.

I then turned to Urban Dictionary. The top definition was this: Some loser who takes orders from his mom constantly like a little bitch. They actually got worse from there. It is true that I sometimes take orders from my mom. Just a few weeks ago she pretty much ordered me not to go to a fortune teller and I complied. But constantly? No, I don’t think that fits me.

These definitions were missing the mark when it came to the relationship between my mom and I.

Thankfully the internet is chock-full of lists that will help identify mama boys. In one article meant for women to use to see whether their boyfriend is a mama’s boy, seven reasons were given. They were (separated by slashes): He talks to her every day/He refers to her all the time/He compares you to her/She feeds & cleans for him/He tells her private things about you/She plays a role in his choices/He doesn’t defend you.

That list really missed the mark with me. Five of the indicators don’t describe me at all. If “talking to her every day” means text messaging I would say I am guilty of that. Also, I would say that my mom plays a role in some of my major choices but I am also very prone to just going with my gut as well. With this article totally missing on most cylinders, I told myself that I don’t fit the societal definition of a mama’s boy.

The list of seven things to indicate a mama’s boy fell flat with me.

But if a new definition for mama’s boy came out and described such a person as someone who sends his mom cards through the mail at an alarming rate, it would fit me. Or if it implied that a mama’s boy is one who calls her up whenever the refrigerator makes a funny noise or he doesn’t know what setting to use the washer and dryer with certain clothes I would say I am that guy. Or if it pinpointed such a human as a dude who texts her every single morning with a quote, I would be a mama’s boy.

If it had a clause that demanded that at least one or two Skype sessions a week take place, I could find some understanding in it. If the definition noted that a mama’s boy still asks his mother to send him some of her baked goods across the country every now and then, I would say it accurately depicts me. If it specified that such a person still receives texts and calls from his mom asking if he is okay just because he is battling a cold, I would accept it.

If it noted that a mama’s boy will call his mom on her landline the minute after her cell phone goes unanswered I would concede that it describes me. Or if it meant that the mom would sheepishly tell his girlfriend to please take care of her son, it would make much more sense. Finally, if somewhere it said a little something about this so-called “mama’s boy” writing a corny blog post in honor of his mom on Mother’s Day I think I would throw up my hands and admit it out loud…I AM A MAMA’S BOY. 

If the definition said that a mama’s boy is someone who both himself and his mom cry a little bit when they say goodbye as the son moves across the country, then I am one.

Happy Mother’s Day to my mom. There is not a more caring or selfless person out there. I love you and miss you, Mary Reser! Can’t wait to see you next month.

Sincerely,

Your Mama’s Boy
(Don’t Blink).