Back in a distant time, I used to get irritated and annoyed with e-mail spam. However, over the years I have lightened up and my ire has gone to more pressing problems such as Twitter spam, Instagram spam, and Snapchat spam. In all honesty though, I don’t think e-mail spam bothers me as much anymore because I am too busy laughing.

You see, the e-mail garbage I get these days is so far-fetched, so elementary, and so blatantly bad that it makes me chuckle. The best ones are the e-mails that make it through the spam filter and end up right in my work account inbox. Many of these correspondences are complete pieces of work. So, for your comedic pleasure, here are five recent actual e-mails sent to me along with my imaginary responses.

A Charitable Request

Brother Paul and I go way back.

Dear Brother Paul,

Even if you did send me an initial e-mail as you erroneously claim, you still would not have heard from me. I could care less about your jumbled code and I will absolutely not send any e-mail to an address that ends in qq.com. You should learn about proper capitalization and join a charity that teaches young kids grammar.

– Brother Brent

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Construction Machinery

Did I ever tell you that while in college I was a “Construction Machinery” major for two weeks?

Hi David,

You got my “contacts from internet” and claim that one of my interests is construction machinery? I don’t even know what that is, let alone consider it one of my interests. You must have pulled the information for another Brent Reser…or just lied because I am actually the only Brent Reser on the planet (true fact). There is actually no attachment for me to see so you are out of luck on that one. I am scared to click on your website link so unfortunately you will not be receiving my “kindly feedback.”

Thanks,
Brent

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Bots and Spammers

I am not a bot!!

Dear No Name,

Did you invent a new type of poetry meter? The way your text breaks is pretty random. No need to worry though, I am not a bot and this account is not “being used by spammers to promote spam remotely.” Over three weeks later my account is still sending out and receiving e-mails just fine so I think your lock down threat was a little unfounded. I guess I must be a human who can verify my account’s legitimacy.

Don’t Blink.

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I Need to LOGON

Well, I am definitely an e-mail user.

Sherif –

You were so close! If only you correctly spelled “log on” as two words I might have clicked on the link (if I had been hit in the head by a baseball bat first).

Take Care,
Brent

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My All-Time Favorite

The prequel to the sequel!

Greetings Salim,

Following my e-mail address are there parentheses that read “send this person spam because he is the absolute dumbest person on the planet”? Although this scheme has to have a 0% success rate it must bring a tiny bit of humor to stressed out, gloomy office workers. When I read your masterpiece I literally laughed out loud. This mess literally took the cake…even Brother Paul is envious.

I think you should stick with using the word “sequel” when it comes to movies and books, not e-mails. Also, just a tiny bit of attention to spelling, grammar, and/or spacing would be nice. Finally, I can’t reach you “on” an e-mail address, nor would I want to. So, to answer your question, I will have to politely decline to execute the charity project on your behalf (even though you sound like a really cool guy).

Best of luck,
Brent

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Much thanks to Brother Paul, David, No Name, Sherif, and Salim for brightening my day. I know I can expect many “sequels” to these e-mails down the road. Don’t Blink.